It's 4:31 am and I'm up before the world. They don't know what I'm thinking, what lies beneath my thoughts as it began to wonder. I scribble it down if I want it remembered; black inks of solitude in a blank canvas that is staring at me. Perhaps they can tell you my secret; what hurts me, what makes me laugh, what I wish for. Just like this where I hear no sound but the voices in my head telling me of what I should do and where I should be. Not here, just not here.

Then 5:47 am hits and I'm not sure if I can take on the world.

I don't know where my head was. I do think about you at times but I realise that I find you boring. Maybe I thought I wanted all of that but maybe I don't. Maybe I just needed is someone whom I can be my crazy self with and be okey. Someone who loves me to pieces and doesn't fall into the standards of society. Someone who is bursting with freedom and lives life on the edge. Someone whom I can dream with and be on an adventure while we discover who we really are.

Maybe I already have you, maybe I wanted you all along.

I don't know if I think about you too much or is it because I haven't really seen you that often. It's quite rare that I dream about you and I'm not sure if that causes it.

I felt like I spend more time with you in that dream than I did in real life. I can barely remember exactly what happened but I remember how I felt; joy, loved, and cared for. And if this is how it is in dreams with you, then I don't mind spending the rest of night with it , even if that's how we're ever going to be.

I'm putting up this wall again, the kind that protects me from feeling any sort of emotion and expectations from anyone that can hurt me. It's easier, more humane than being drowned in the sea of false hopes and none.

I don't want to feel anything. I'd rather not care than be vulnerable suffer from any anxiety, wonder and all that shit.

I think I know enough and I know better.