Last night and this morning was hard for me. I start questioning, doubting, reevaluating my circumstances if it's still worth moving forward. I asked opinions from friends, asked myself more questions and I found myself crying in the washroom for a good minute. I'm lost and I don't know what to do. Then I remembered my mom and my sister how they would always tell me to pray and ask for guidance. So I did and I heard a friendly voice telling me to just talk to Him at all times. That even if I don't feel the love myself, I can find love in Him and that's greater than anything else.

Day 9
Subject: Compassion
Mantra: When I act from the heart, I always know what to do.
Words: Compassion is to be expressed to everyone at all times.

How easy it is for our youth to fade away? How careless and happy we were then, with no thoughts of the future. We were just naive living life for what we know when people tell us not so. When little do they know, there's treasure to be found in bit and pieces of life we sow.

Day 8
Subject: Relaxation
Mantra: Never pass up a chance to do nothing.
Words: Don't believe your thoughts.

Day 7
Subject: Courage
Mantra: I will do what is possible.
Words: Your work is to distinguish what is important enough to require your commitment and what is not worthy.

Day 6
Subject: Perspective
Mantra: I am grateful.
Words: We benefit from maintaining perspective about what is happening in life, right here right now. We often forget to trust the whisperings of our heart. Cultivate gratitude.

Day 5
Subject: Faith
Mantra: I have faith in myself.
Words: Unless we have faith in the ability of the methods of self transformation, we are unable to continue them when the going gets difficult, boring and demanding.

While I was doing my practice this morning, I remembered a quote that goes a long the line of nothing is permanent, that we own nothing in this world, that we are all ashes. The thought of this makes me realize how all anger, frustration, worry and fear, even material possessions, relationships are all temporary. We own nothing, so why limit ourselves.

Day 4
Subject: Self-Judgement
Mantra: I am choosing to let go of my self-judgement now.
Words: There is no way I can be harsh to myself and be compassionate to others at the same time. Bring a sense of the comfortable with your inner life, to your thoughts and how you speak to yourself.

Day 3  
Subject: Letting go 
Mantra: This is the perfect moment to let go. 
Words: You are to give up your attachment to the way you think things are. 

Remember when I intend to set 2018 as the year of creativity? Well scrap that out. A month after and I'm changing it to focus on the year of Action. As uncomfortable as I am putting this down, I knew it was necessary. I don't want to blame it on my relationship, though a lot has to do with my partner influencing my decisions, the intention is to push me beyond my boundaries. But damn, getting out of my comfort zone is really tough.

Action to me meant doing the things I've hold off for a while.

• Setting up a full fledged side project
• Getting a DNA ancestry test
• Going for a yoga teacher training
• Learning art illustration  
• Completing a year long photo journal 

If I don't start now then when? Maybe not ever.

Day 2 
Subject: Discipline
Mantra: I give myself fully to each moment.
Words: Discipline is doing what is possible with consistency. Less about accomplishment and more to do with intention and commitment.
Task: List a things that you've always wanted to do but never find a time to do. Choose 1 activity and dedicate 15 minutes a day, same time, same place for a month and review your experience after. At that time, you may want to continue, change it or drop all together.

List of things I've always wanted to do:
1. Colouring book
2. Read I Heart Christmas novel - I chose this.
3. Apply for freelancing job
4. Apply for a fashion related job

I've been tapping into yoga and reading books about spiritually lately as I find that it helps me deal with my relationship. Not that I'm in a bad one but rather I'm more of a negative ball as compared to him. He is more positive, always telling me to let go and move forward, something I'm not used on doing. I feel that for us to be in a happy relationship I need to play my part.

First up, Yoga. I used to do it before but then I stopped and now I'm getting back to it. I practice at least 30 - 60 mins a day and I'm on day 7 of my 30 day practice. I'm reading Living Your Yoga by Judith Hanson Lasater  as well to equip myself on this journey. So I'm starting this thread to highlight what I've learned thus far.

Day 1 
Subject: Spiritual Seeking
Mantra: My life is a work in progress
Words: To practice yoga in the deepest sense is to commit to developing awareness by observing our lives; our thoughts, our words, our actions.

Sweetheart,

Thanks for your love. For always making me feel love whenever we are together. I'm working on myself as I'm sure you know, to be better in this relationship. To not be a ball of sadness but rather be a person filled with joy and peace. You've always showed me how to let go and move forward and I'm trying. Not the easiest but it serves well in our relationship and I want to be like that well.

To see your name pop up on my phone last night was not something I expect to see. We haven't talked in months and I wonder what made you think of messaging me. To be honest, I thought about it as well before but I hold myself back because it wasn't necessary. We both have our own lives now and have clearly moved on from before. I know we're friends but I guess that bit of history will never go away. I don't know if you're reading this but let me tell you; I'm happy and in love with the man I'm with. We had our time and you're the one who gave up on me.

Hey Sweetheart,

I know we just spoke last night but I just want you to remember this. You are loved and I am here with you. I know how you feel and I understood it. We've been through so much haven't we? I've seen you happy, sad and times when you felt uncertain in life. I was there to talk you into it and out of it and constantly remind you of how beautiful and amazing you are.

I've seen how you were in every relationship and let me tell you this, you are worth every love there is in the world. You humble yourself down when needed and you held yourself up high when you should. You are selfless and you're willing to sacrifice even your own happiness for the person you love most. And if no guy sees that well they aren't worthy of you, of any part of you.

I feel so meh today. So uninspired by anything in life. I know I should be excited because I have a new project brewing up but I just don't feel great today. I don't know if it's because my body doesn't feel right after eating some sort of dairy that I wasn't aware of last night or that my phone broke and won't get a new one till Friday. I wish I can just be all pump up and be inspired but I just don't.

I imagine I'm in New York City right now. Perhaps that will stir something up. I'm trying. I'm trying.

Remember back in December 2016 I mentioned something about the need to contribute to society? It took me 8 months to figure it out and now I have. I'm starting a project that won't be revealed till later this year but the key milestones thus far? Bought the domain name and found a charity organisation to support :) More updates coming!

I always wonder why you like to put your arms around me; in public while we wait for the bus, inside the train while we wait for our stop, in the queue while we wait for our food. You always extend your arms asking me to come closer whenever I'm standing in a distance. Then last night you told me without me asking, "Whenever I put my arms around you, my worries and problems melt away. Whenever I have a bad day, I know I will be okay because I have you." I never thought I make you feel that way and my heart just melts knowing it.