I feel like I've gotten my closure if that's how I should call it. Life has its way isn't it. I didn't realise you'd be at the party until the night before. You were surprise to see me but I was expecting it anyway. I didn't know if you'd come and talk to me but you did and you've cleared the air after months of lost communication.

Nothing is left between us and someone out there is waiting for me to give him a chance. I was holding myself back not because of you but because I wasn't sure if I was willing to put up with things that could hurt me again. But after that night I realise I owe it to myself; to be happy in the arms of someone who wants to be with me. So I guess this is my farewell to you. I was caught in your shadows during times of darkness and I was swoon by it all; the hopes, uncertainties, the what ifs and what could have been. I walked with you in hopes I'd see the sun rise again, alas there was none. Then someone came to save me instead.

I told you to be patient with me. I'm not the easiest person to be with to someone who I barely knew. I tend to be skeptical, all walls are up, misconstrued judgement and all unnecessary reasons why I shouldn't say yes.

You're husband material so to speak. I hate using that term but that's the simplest way to describe you. Looks aside, we don't have the same definition of fun. I'm a wild child, free spirited who cares less about the world and only cares about what makes me happy. You're more direct, focuses on what's ahead, knows what needs to be done but your version of fun isn't the same as mine. Perhaps it's not all about having someone to even me out but also someone I could enjoy life with. Maybe I'll come around, maybe I won't but it's still too early to say.

Sometimes I blame you for my tainted heart. I thought then that if I gave it time something will happen out of it, alas there was none. I'm not here to dwell on it but whenever I get close to someone, I compare them to you and how we were then. You were not all perfect but I see the good in you. I know it should be the same with him but I see the opposite instead.

Is this what you call it, a change of heart? It reminds me of how you were towards me and I think I'm experiencing the same. Just that this time it's less than 48 hours. I wonder how long it took you to change that towards me. Was it a day, a week, a month? Knowing you, I doubt if it was any longer.

We're all humans trying to find our place on this earth and at this moment I find myself in you.

Last night was good wasn't it? I wasn't expecting to have a pleasant time considering how we started. I had my doubts but here we are today.

It appears to me you're a man who knows what he wants. You had a clear vision and I needed that in my life. You didn't appeal to me because of it but rather you engage with me in a conversation only a few can do.

Perhaps there will be more of this for months on end and this just the beginning.

Should I continue to walk this earth?

Perhaps we find comfort in the arms of those who think we deserve more than the lies we are being fed.

These are the places I want to see in the coming years and I hope to fulfil 1 or 2 of them in year.

Asia
1. Japan  12 - 19 Aug 2017
2. South Korea
3. Australia
4. Maldives
5. Moscow
6. Istanbul

Europe
1. Amsterdam 21 - 25 Dec 2017
2. Brussels  23 Dec 2017
3. Austria
4. Prague
5. Berlin  26 - 30 Dec 2017
6. Lisbon
7. Madrid
8. Santorini
9. Venice
10. Florence
11. Milan
12. Stockholm
13. Copenhagen
14. Iceland

South Africa
1. Capetown
2. Mauritius

North America
1. Mexico

Central America
1. Cuba

South America
1. Peru
2. Brazil

Are we giving each other hopes again?
The kind that is simply non-existent?
These things I know too well.
Yet maybe, just maybe this time it would be different,
Then again how many times have I told myself that.
Perhaps now I'll take it with a pitch of salt or even a tinniest bit of it.
That once it's gone, I won't feel it or better yet I won't notice it.

But is it such a bad thing to live like this for a little while? Just for a few months of one's life, is it awful to travel through time with no greater ambition than to find the next lovely meal? Or to learn how to speak a language for no higher purpose than that it pleases your ear to hear it? Or to nap in a garden, in a patch of sunlight, in the middle of the day, right next to your favorite fountain? And then to do it again the next day? - Eat Pray Love

I hate the world...

For promises that are never kept
For betrayals of friendships
For the love that was never there

Thank you for crushing my beliefs and now my faith is tampered. Thus I'll walk this earth trusting no one, no assumptions of love and friendship, no hopes on dreams I once held and anything arises moving forward. I can't anymore. I just can't.

I saw this photograph and I imagine you walking this streets alone. Remember when you told me you traveled by yourself unexpectedly? How you met strangers along the way and it was the best time you had? That you'd want to experience it again perhaps this year or another time? It made me think that it wasn't so bad; to walk the streets alone and be surprise where life takes you, that maybe those moments are more of value than what we thought they could be, the kind that would stick with us now and for the rest of our lives.

Sweetheart, I'm afraid you'll have to figure things out and do things on your own. It's sad I know but you're no longer a child that needs supervision but rather an adult with a mission. I know it's daunting but this is how life is. We live through despite it all. As much as you think it's lonely it's not. Tons of people are just like you and all you need to do is reach out. That's all.

You're probably not gonna like me posting this but I'll do it anyway. Times change hasn't it. Like all good things, it must come to an end. I want to stay thank you for the good times and the bad, for being there for me when I needed someone the most, for lifting me up and saying things I needed to hear. Perhaps we'll see each other again someway somehow. If life does allow it, I hope somethings still hasn't change.


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To My Future Self,

You are amazing and beautiful. Please don't forget that. Your faith was tested but I beg you to hold on to it. He has a better plan for you and you need to trust in that no matter how much you want to believe otherwise. Remember that your relationship with Him matters most, everything else is a blessing.

You wanted to see the world don't you? Please do and when you come back and read this, make me proud by accomplishing all of them. Life doesn't wait. Didn't you want to have wine and cheese by the river seine and experience the night life in Paris? How about taking that train to Amsterdam and visit your friend? Haven't you ever wonder what the craze is about in Lisbon and eat the best egg tart of your life? And on top of it, do all of them on your own? Let me tell you, these will be the experiences you will keep for the rest of your life so don't hold yourself back. Be brave enough to do them because you can.

Writing. Isn't that something you always have in you? Promise me you'll nurture it and never cease to do it. You've taken a break long enough and it's time to come back to it. Tell me all your adventures,  what makes you happy and what makes you sad. You'll look back on all these and remember the life that was before you, what you've accomplish and how you change for the better.

xo
Abbey

Life has it's way of doing things for the better, you just have to trust in it. No matter how much I wanted to question it I know I shouldn't, reminding myself that not getting what I want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. I'm okay, I'll always be okay. Like what Jamie from A Walk to Remember said "Maybe God has a better plan for me than I have for myself".

I'm slowly feeling more at peace now. I have no other role this year but to better myself as what my friend said, perhaps I'll do just that.

For awhile I've been trying to understand things.
Why did this happen?
Why did that happen?
Why certain things didn't work out as I thought it should?
Perhaps reasons are as such that only the universe can understand.
And maybe just maybe not everything needs to have its meaning.